Terminal Pillness
by El Sabio
Summary: Thanks to Dr. Mario's Megavitamins, no one ever gets sick in the Mushroom Kingdom anymore. Dr. Mario is going to run out of business soon, unless he takes drastic measures...
1. Diagnosis

After reading the name of the only of Dr. Mario's patients for the day, Nurse Toadstool clutched it closely to her chest and called for him sweetly, "Mr. Roshi, the doctor will see you now."

"Why, helloooo nurse!" the aging, pale red Yoshi croaked back. He was no longer an athletic dinosaur as he had been in his youth, and one look at his belly would reveal that he had had one too many Yoshi Cookies in his years. He was in Dr. Mario's clinic because he had hurt himself badly trying to stuff himself into a pipe that was _way_ too small for him.

Toadstool rolled her eyes and sighed indignantly. "Just come this way, sir," she instructed, then walked off down the hallway that led to the doctor's examining room, pursued closely by Roshi. One too many perverts had objectified Toadstool because of her good looks, especially because of the nurse outfit she was wearing; this particular one was **very** lucky that she didn't have her frying pan with her at the moment.

"Why, certainly…but only if you'll _come_ with _me_, pretty lady! Eheh, eheh, eheheheh—hack, wheeze, gasp!" Though he continued after Toadstool, the Yoshi's immature joke and laughter were cut short by a sudden coughing fit. Toadstool smirked, and decided to let him suffer.

Seated, with his elbows propped upon a desk in his examining room, Dr. Mario held his head in his hands gravely. The number of patients he'd been receiving had dwindled recently, but the number of bills he'd been receiving most certainly had not. In fact, if he didn't get more patients soon, Mario would be forced to give up the doctor biz.

The sound of elegant high heels and squeaky Yoshi boots stepping against the tiled floor of the clinic diverted Dr. Mario's thoughts away from his immediate situation. He looked up to see Nurse Toadstool and an elderly red Yoshi standing before his desk. "Dr. Mario, the patient is here," Toadstool informed him. Behind her, Roshi was still coughing and wheezing.

"Thank you, Nurse Toadstool." Because a patient was present, Mario decided to be formal and call her Nurse Toadstool instead of Peach. "You may leave now." Dr. Mario gestured towards the door while rising from his chair.

"No, thank _you_, Dr. Mario." Toadstool glared at the dirty old Yoshi reproachfully, then gladly departed. Coincidentally, Roshi's coughing spell seemed to vanish as soon as the nurse had gone.

"Now then," Dr. Mario began once Nurse Toadstool's footsteps were no longer audible. He clasped his gloved hands and rubbed them together, anxious to treat his paying customer. "Why don't you go have a seat up there and tell me what happened to you, hmm?" He gestured towards the patient bed.

"Ah, doc…good to see you." Roshi somehow managed to hop up onto the bed. "I'm not big and buff like I was, back in the day…" The Yoshi inhaled and attempted to flex his muscles, as if trying to disprove the statement he had just made. He didn't have much success. "Yesiree, these ol' bones have been through a lot, but not those new-fangled warp pipes they set up at the end of Yoshi Island, no! I swear, they make those dadgum things much, much smaller than they used to…"

"Thank you, I believe I can figure out what happened from here," Dr. Mario interrupted the Yoshi's story before it could bore him any longer. He peered closely at the Yoshi's skin through a magnifying glass. "Hmm…"

"Is it real bad, doc?"

"Not in the slightest," the good doctor replied warmly. "Just a superficial bruise, nothing to worry about." The patient exhaled, relieved. Dr. Mario procured a small jar of something from his cabinet. "I'll just give you this jar of mushroom cream to rub on the sore parts, and you can go on your merry little way."

"Why, thanks, doc!" Roshi gratefully accepted the cream. "You're so good at this doctor shtick, I bet you get business from everyone in the entire Mushroom Kingdom!"

"Heh." The doctor couldn't help but chuckle at the Yoshi's completely erroneous opinion of him. "No, man, I'm afraid you're wrong there. I haven't had a decent clientele in…" Mario had lost track. "…a while."

"What?" cried the Yoshi, shocked. "That's horrible!"

"It is, indeed."

"You know what? I think it's those…" the old creature trailed off, trying to call to mind the name of Dr. Mario's patented vitamin capsules. "…miracle vitamins of yours."

"Megavitamins?" Dr. Mario supplied.

"Yeah! Those! Mecha Vitamins." Roshi still didn't get the name right. Dr. Mario didn't bother to correct him. "After you gave everyone a dose of those, no one's really been getting sick here. Only old fools like me, who manage to hurt themselves, have use for a doctor now! Eheh, eheh, eheheheh!" The doctor nodded. It was true; his vitamins _did_ cure sickness miraculously. "Who knows…you may have to resort to breaking a few bones yourself to get a little business! Eheh, eheh, eheheheh!"

Dr. Mario considered the idea…and suddenly, he knew how he could save his business.


	2. Malpractice

"He's…he's…a madman! A madman! That's what he is!" declared a black and blue, but bandaged Goomba minion. He and a blue Koopa Paratroopa—well, technically, he was no longer a Paratroopa because his wings were broken—were discussing Dr. Mario's recent behavior.

"Yes! He all but_ destroyed_ both of my wings, _fractured_ my shell, and _then_ had the nerve to hand me a coupon for a **twenty-five percent discount** on my **next visit to his clinic**!" lamented the flightless Paratroopa. "It makes me so mad that…that…that…" Unable to express his frustration in words, he kicked a nearby Koopa Shell. It slid into a wall with a satisfying crash.

"We have _got_ to do something about this!" decided the Goomba.

"Yeah, but what?" The former Paratroopa looked quizzical. "Need I remind you what happened to us last time we came in contact with the_ good doctor_?" He extended a damaged wing to emphasize his point.

"Well…I guess we'll just have to find someone big enough and strong enough to take him down…"

"But who could possibly…?"

"King Bowser!" they exclaimed simultaneously. The two immediately scurried off together in search of the King of the Koopas, hoping that he could bring the crazed doctor to justice.

Comfortable in his cushioned, golden throne, Bowser stroked his chin thoughtfully. "So…ya want me to clobber Mario for ya, huh?" he asked, in a voice that didn't seem to sound refined enough to belong to royalty.

"Why…y-y-y-yessssir!" the Goomba and Paratroopa chimed in unison, both forming weak salutes.

"Doesn't sound like a bad idea to me." At this, the petitioners sighed, relieved that the king had not decided to clobber _them_ instead. "Yes…I've let that good-for-nothing do-gooder get away with _way_ too much! It's time for me to _stand up_ for my subjects! Let Mario know that he is _no longer_ in charge!" Bowser's minions looked up at his scaly face, inspired by their leader's determination. "Even if he _does_ give me complimentary lollipops after he looks at my teeth," he added. His followers facefaulted.

"And here's a coupon for a **twenty-five percent discount** on your **next visit to my clinic**!" Dr. Mario offered, excitedly. He had just battered a Shy Guy nearly to death, but, if the poor Guy managed to make it all the way to his clinic alive, he would make sure to honor the slip of paper and fix him up at a bargain price.

"Mario!" boomed a challenging voice. Dr. Mario turned and saw that the voice's owner was none other than his nemesis, Bowser, King of the Koopas. "Why, hello, Bowser…are you here for a _free_ coupon?"

"Hardly," snorted the gargantuan dinosaur. "I hear tell you've been ruffin' up my soldiers…is that true, Mario?" He eyed Mario scornfully.

"Well, I, uh…" the doctor broke off, and rummaged around in his brain for something to complete his thought, that the King of the Koopas might be gullible enough to believe. "…I was only making sure they got a chance to use the new coupons I've been issuing…" Dr. Mario stammered. Nervous laughter betrayed his lie.

"Is that so…? Well, I hope you have an extra coupon left for yourself, doctor…for hassling my minions, you're gonna need it!" Upon spitting out the last of his words, Bowser dove forward with his claws extended.

Dr. Mario less-than-nimbly somersaulted out of the way (and immediately resolved to work out a little more often) and leapt forward with an attack of his own, aiming for the top of his opponent's lowered head. His boots connected with the Koopa King's hard skull causing minimal damage, but the wily Koopa tossed his head immediately upon impact, flinging Dr. Mario headfirst into a floating Mystery Block.

While Dr. Mario righted himself, a Fire Flower sprouted from the Mystery Block, which he plucked. Bowser implemented a long-range fire breath attack, which Dr. Mario countered with his newly obtained Fire Flower. Bowser's mouth and Dr. Mario's flower both shot similar looking streams of fire at their respective targets, while Dr. Mario inched closer to the Koopa King hiding behind the petals of his Fire Flower as if it were a shield.

Eventually, the Flower began smoking, indicating that its magic had given out. Fortunately for the doctor, Bowser's fire breath was also giving out, and the normally hotheaded reptilian ruler was only able to produce a single, pitifully minuscule flame in his mouth. By this time, Dr. Mario had gotten within an arm's length of his foe—close enough to jam a fistful of Megavitamin down his throat.

Lacking oxygen, the Koopa King's face began to match the color of the blue vitamin that was suffocating him. Dr. Mario took advantage of the sudden vulnerability and body slammed into Bowser's enormous gut. The force of the blow generated enough recoil to topple the king and land him on his back. Dr. Mario ran a few steps towards the fallen king and vaulted into a Super Jump above his body. Upon reaching the highest point of his jump, Dr. Mario executed a 360° flip and Hip Dropped swiftly downwards.

The force of collision of the Hip Drop knocked all the wind out of Bowser, and also, the offending blue Megavitamin. However, the Koopa King was entirely too tired to move out of the way, so once the Megavitamin came back down, it conked him on the head. Bowser lay on the ground just where he was, passed out.

Dr. Mario shook his head. "Tsk, tsk, tsk…" Before leaving, he left a note with Bowser: a small slip of paper redeemable for a twenty-five percent discount on its owner's next visit to his clinic.


End file.
